October 5th, 2023

It's been so long!

But things have really been changing for me, for the better, so I'll keep this entry short, because I really want to focus on updating the rest of my site too!
I've been working really hard on Spacepals! My last post sounded so grim, and even though a lot of time has passed since then and now, I've been making steady progress on pages and I'm planning to launch an update soon!



I've just been really busy lately because... I got a promotion! I'm now a full-time administrator and educator. It's been really stressful, but I'm thankful that I was able to get the position. It's a lot of work so far but I really hope that it will mellow out, even if I have a lot of anxieties surrounding my job.

What I'd really love to do is start working on comics more and more. I genuinely don't know if this job will even last until next year, but I'm holding on for hope. There's been a lot of worrisome things happening at work that make me question the future of it all...
I've been going to the Comic Studio downtown more and more lately, and it's been really rewarding and I love to see other cool people working on their comics too.



I'm purposefully keeping this post short, because there's just so much that has happened that would take forever to catch up on. So I'll summarize it by saying that I'm doing better, and only hope to keep getting better!
Until next time...



-Angel

June 12th, 2023

I think I'm finally doing it, I'm finally clawing my way out of my depression hole... It really really should not have taken this long but MAN it sure did. I feel like I was in there for weeks. Months. Festering.

I went to work today just feeling absolutely miserable. I, again, felt like a waste of an existance, terrible at my job, and felt very little will to continue on. If I had no shred of dignity or morals left, I easily would have called in sick.

Instead, I didn't. I got to work an hour early, and just sat in the parking lot listening to my mixtapes... thinking about Spacepals, my characters... the story I so badly didn't want to give up. But for some reason, I was thinking "Mabye this really is the point where I never work on it again." I genuinely felt like it was over.

I went to work, and work was great. I seriously mean it, if I worked at literally any other job besides teaching, I would've offed myself years ago. Getting to help students and encourage them to not give up on art... getting to see their incredible creativity, and seeing them encourage others... just everything about it really, really makes me feel like this is what I'm meant to do. That if I'm not good for anything else, I can at least do my best to help young artists feel supported and excited about making art and comics.

I drove home from work, decided to treat myself to some fruit punch Fanta, took an ice cold shower, then decided for one final night, I would be a potato.

I just sat in front of my tv and played Animal Crossing for the Gamecube while watching lost media videos... and just reflected a lot on where I was at mentally. Why was I so unhappy with myself? I don't think I've been this unhappy, this reclused, this ready to just give up everything and undo myself in so, so long...

Then slowly, very slowly. I started cleaning up, moving things around. Got back to my table, and looked through old art. My most recent pages that I uploaded months ago. Current pages that were still in pencils, and were just collecting dust. Why did I stop so suddenly? Was it burnout? Was it just horrible imposter syndrome, where I believed everything I made was hot garbage? Absolutely. Totally.

But I've had these kinds of feelings before. So why was it so bad right now? I genuinely wasn't sure. It just feels like this time, I'm more alone. Or I want to be more alone. I was tired of bringing everyone else down around me, with my problems, with my insecurities. I wanted to spare everyone from the horrible thing that is Me.

It really felt like I was talking to my students when I was addressing myself tonight. Trying to encourage them not to give up.

I know ultimately, it's meaningless to the world and others whether I continue art or not, see Spacepals through to the end... but what if, maybe it was? Maybe it is all meaningful. Maybe there's someone out there, who really does look forward to each update, who, for whatever reason, actually likes the story and characters so far.

Even if that person is just me.

I feel like I owe it to, at least myself, to finish what I started. This comic will continue to be a self reflection of my own battle with self-worth, and self-confidence... and I constantly feel like the biggest obstacle in making this comic, is myself. To the point where I just want to throw it all away and finally work on something else.

But I can't. I genuinely cannot do that, not to them. It sounds so stupid, but I just love them too much to discard Spacepals and their world so carelessly.

And I think that's what got me. Love.

I might not be able to love myself yet. That's fine. I may not ever be able to allow myself to be loved by others. It's a work in progress.

But I love Spacepals. I love those kids, I love the rest of the crew, the story, the journey we've made together. I may give up on myself but I know, I know I could never give up on them.

So I picked up the pen (pencil), and set up my station. I'm back to work.

-Angel

June 10th, 2023

UPDATES:
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!
???

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Hoo boy... what a long time to go without a proper update! To tell you the truth I've kind of been a bit tired socially and mentally, so that's why I haven't been super on top of keeping up with updates... but here's some neat stuff that's happened recently!

One of the biggest updates is that I was generously given an iMac Mini from my workplace in exchange for my help in setting up the new computer lab! It is absolutely beautiful... It now takes over as my new art station computer! It runs Clip Studio beautifully.




This little Mac has really been such a wonderful gift, in fact, it's what I'm writing this blog entry on! I also found another addition to my art station at the local Goodwill: A lovely little easel! It even has a cute little drawer!




Maybe this will finally get me to work on comics again and not be so... depressed, haha.

I crawled out of my hole for a bit to have lunch with a friend, and we talked about computing and crts and had some delicious greek food and shared some laughs. I think I really needed that, even if I felt like crud...



I also got a fresh case of RC Cola, the corner store finally started carrying it again, and it made me really happy :-)



Well... I can't really avoid talking about it, but I've been incredibly depressed. I feel like this is probably the only place I can really talk about it and not feel overwhelming guilt about opening up. I think I've just come to realize how little I really matter in a lot of people's lives, and I worry if any of the things I do or have done matter/mattered at all.

I think Twitter truly poisoned my mind. It destroyed my view of self-worth, destroyed how I connect with others, and how I spend my time with myself alone. I constantly felt like I had to televise myself, 24/7, telling everyone every last detail about myself, share every single sappy and personal piece of art I made... because I was afraid of being abandoned and forgotten. Viewed as worthless. And for what? What did I gain from it? What did it really matter, opening up like that to the world? I really feel like such a fool.

Opening up to others just really does more harm than good, but I couldn't stop, and can't stop. It makes me so upset to think that I was so naive and just trusting of everyone. Yet here I am doing it again, but in more confined, slow-motion ways.

In any case... I just think I've realized that I really am kind of, doomed to be the life of a shut-in. The thing is that I don't even actively seek out social connections; I crave it, yes, but I don't actively go seeking it. Mostly because I'm afraid. I'm afraid before, during, and after meeting with anyone, with any friend. I just think to save myself and others from being subjected to myself, that it's just better to hide away. I guess you could call me a coward. My therapist always told me that I'm very good at telling people what they want to hear.



It isn't that I'm fully unhappy. I feel happiness, I laugh in conversation with myself, I practice creative outlets, I enjoy recreational joys. But I just can't seem to convince myself that I'm worth sharing with others.



The truth is, I have everything I could ever ask for. I don't need anything more. The only thing I would want would be to make my family's life easier. To make the burden of me lessen. I feel like the less connections I have, the better off others will be, and less of a disappointment I will be to them. It's much easier to disappear out of people's minds when you stop being in their day-to-day lives.



It is so tempting to commit to full virtual suicide and eradicate all digital footprints and existence of myself off the internet. It's so tempting to become so un-searchable, so un-reachable, that people will stop and think "Now what was their name again?" before moving on with their day.

I don't know why I'm being so vulnerable here once again. I feel like this is just turning out to be the one outlet I have where I don't have to pretend anymore. I'm also sorry to the people who read this, and that this seems to be a reocurring topic that I can't stop wallowing in.

At this point I'm just unsure what else to write about.

-Angel

June 2nd, 2023

UPDATES:
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!

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Hellooooo I am back with some more retrotech adventures :-)

Tuesday I was still kind of crawling out of my depression pit, and Wednesday's class was pretty hectic, so to soothe myself I went to the surplus store once again to see if I could find anything... And I totally did!

I wasn't really going in with any intentions, but then I saw a big black box... looked like a briefcase! Well, first what caught my eye was a keyboard, and it had a tag on it that read:

"Really Neat!
"Portable" Computer
Pentium 3 433 (Likely Underclocked)
Rage 128 Mobility
20GB HD
Boots, keyboard and mouse works"

I immediately asked my friend about it, and after we got it to boot, I was sold. All it needed was an operating system, and it came with all the discs and drivers... Even the manuals!

THE BEAST

I tried installing Windows 2000 with the disc it came with, but for some reason, no matter what I would do (changing boot order, rebooting), it wouldn't boot from the disc drive...
Sooo I tried isntalling Win95 from all my floppies.



Well, as soon as I tried proceeding with the installation, the computer told me that I couldn't install Win95 on this system... so that was out the window.

I wanted to see if I could boot at least MSDOS on it, so I quickly made a DOS Disk



It booted to DOS just fine! So, I tried to burn my own Win2000 Personal Edition install disc, and changed the boot order and then, Rebooted.... then... Nothing. The computer wouldn't boot up again. It tried! It gave me one long beep, and three short beeps, signifying a GPU error.
I relayed the information back to my friend, so I brought it back to to the shop so we could take a look at it.



My friend ended up taking each component and board apart testing them all one by one to see what the issue could be. We still couldn't figure it out, after much troubleshooting. Then, my friend's friend came into the shop, and offered to take it back to his house and diagnose it further.

It turns out that it was the video card that died. It was about $130 to replace, and it was just not something I could afford to fix. We thought of a lot of different ways we could fix it, but as of right now it's with my friend while we are stumped at how to save this machine.



And even if we did find the replacement video card, it might not even be the right match. It would have to align with the serial number on the LCD screen thats already in the machine...
... and that's just one component. There's a lot to this machine that is so specific to it's intentional purpose and design, that it would be a real struggle to get the proper parts to restore it to functioning capabilities.



Ideally, I would've loved for it to be a little portable LAN party machine and BBS station that I could lug around with me to places... it would've been perfect, we coulda had it all...
I think I'm definitely going to be holding onto it though, and save up some money to afford the video card... but augh, there's the gamble of the part not working. It's such a tough situation!

In any case... I left The Beast with my friend, and in kindness (and maybe even in consolation), my friend gave me a free 4:3 ratio LCD monitor... which is perfect for my setup!




I got this specifically because 1) I love 4:3 ratio and 2) I wanted to be able to switch between my computer's display and my PlayStation 2's display at ease. I also got a nice USB/KVM Switch box WITH audio switchers as well. It would be the dream to have really nice little speakers set up here on my desk somewhere so that audio would also switch without issue.

Here is my setup now



And lastly, I got myself a GameBoy Printer, Camera, and adhesive sticker rolls that I had been eyeing at my local retro game store!!



I can now make prints of my own OC's or whatever the heck I want... all for free!! Out of my GameBoy!!!




Glorious

Well, this post has gone on long enough... I am suuuper sleepy, and also have an ear infection. I already took my meds for it, and that's largely the part about why I'm so dang tired... gotta rest...

But first, I will leave you with this incredible album (and it's free!):

Alright, that is all for tonight! Goodnight, to everyone on the World Wide Web...

-Angel

May 30th, 2023

Update: feeling a bit better after work, got a pizza, have a soda. Read and then bed.

-Angel

May 26th, 2023

UPDATES:
Art Gallery -> Updated!

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Wow, long time no see! My mood has been going up and down, but I'd rather not talk about myself. Instead, look at some of the neat stuff I encountered during my absence!

So, I kept trying with no avail to get my MIDI Organ to play from Floppy Diskettes... My friend Isaac showed me how to trick readers into believing the diskette was a DD instead of an HD by covering the corner with tape.



Unfortuantely, even with the hack, my HD Diskettes weren't being read. They would format as DD Diskettes just fine, and I could put MIDIs onto them, but when it came time to read them, it wouldn't operate.



My suspicion is that the drive itself might have issues... it's definitely something I will be looking into, because I really want to get this MIDI Organ to work.

In other news, at work I finished setting up the new computer lab! It was really fun and it's the kind of work I would love to do all day. New monitor tablets, new Mac Mini's, with all the software and server connections installed.



My friend Isaac also showed me a wacky keyboard that came in. According to him, it was a keyboard that was likely used in stock market exchanges, with hotkeys that were tied to premade messages to be sent between shareholders/stock market bros, LOL!




I totally would've brought that keyboard home, but I opted for a cheaper option, which was suprisingly much better to type on, and a lot cleaner. Pictured is the new keyboard (below) and my old keyboard (on top).




It's quite lovely, excellently Clack-y, and very crisp and clean 0:-)

Another beauty I picked up was this glorious Laserjet printer/scanner combo that my friend Isaac donated to my workplace. It works just perfectly, and I have already set it up and have it running in our workplace's computer lab.



I did a couple test prints... to make my own Screentone paper!




Verdict: They work great!!! The adhesive is a bit sticker/stronger than the Deleter Screentones I usually use, but this paper is going to be a total gamechanger. I can buy a 50 pack for about $20, so each screentone page (of whatever design I want), would be roughly .50 cents per page! It's nuts!



I also got bored and decided to hack my drawing board, by drilling and putting powerful magnets into it so that I can mount my artwork and hold it in place instead of using copious amounts of tape... and it worked!




A blog from me wouldn't be complete without some thrift store finds, so here's one that made me smile in a sad way. Wacom Bamboo tablet, the same model I grew up with, was just tossed up on the shelf for $3.99. I remember this same tablet was what carried me through middle school, high school, and even into college.



I also found two VHS Camcorders, but unfortunately there was just so much missing from them, that it would've been hell to service or do much with. They were both super adorable though!


Also got some time this past week to visit the Goodwill Bins, and got a little lucky this time.





This lil RCA VCR+TV combo was priced at $2.99! As is the rules of the Bins, I couldn't test or plug it in while there, but I was willing to take a gamble, and brought it home. I didn't have intentions of keeping it, as I already have my lovely little Toshiba VCR combo, so I was hoping to clean this up, and resell or give it away.



Well, the good news is that it turns on. The VCR is next to non-functioning, unfortunately...

It would load the VHS and only play if you quickly pressed the buttons as soon as it powered on. And even when it did load the tape, it would have very glitchy feedback while playing. I tried very lightly troubleshooting it myself, by attempting to clean the VCR heads... but it wouldn't play my Wet Head cleaner tape, LOL.

I started reaching out to folks who would be interested in it, but letting them know that the VCR is pretty much borked unless someone services it. Luckily, one of my coworker's friends asked for it, so I'll be handing it off this weekend to them. I'm not really interested in getting money out of this purchase, since it was so darn cheap. I'm just glad that someone is taking it in and not dooming it to the fate of being tossed around in the bins or thrown out into the trash.



Also went ahead and organized my little retro game zone...




Very cozy indeed...

I'm also spending the afternoon watching documentaries on BBS history and users... it's really relaxing.



Watching it makes me want to do a re-read of Incredible Doom, and finally get to finishing Incredible Doom Volume 2. I've often thought about creating my own BBS, but I think I'd rather join a few first. It just feels like a much more cozier, personal format of communicating online that I really love.

Okay... that's enough of today's super long post. I've been feeling especially crummy lately, which is why I haven't been posting as much. But as long as I have my little tech stuff and projects, I think it'll be ok.

See you in the next one,

-Angel

May 14th, 2023

UPDATES:
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!
Neopets Page -> Updated!

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Hello Everyone! Today was pretty dang good 0:-) But... it wasn't without it's... horrors. Really wild stuff I found at Goodwill today. Wild stuff. Horrible stuff.

But first, check out how much we accomplished at work today! My coworker and I set up and installed 5 more MacMini + XP-Pen 22R Pro Stations today, making 6 stations total! I really believe we can get the rest set up in less than a week if I can just be given the time. It's sooo much fun to set up new computers... I adore it.





They have a gorgeous display, matte finish screen, contact-charging pens, lots of hot keys and scroll wheels, and I was even able to do a quick practice by animating on it today! I adore these machines, and I just know that the kiddos will love it as well. I wonder if I can come in during my non-scheduled hours just to play around in Adobe Animate... hehehe!

But now, let's get to the horrors.

When I first picked this up, I had no idea what I was looking at, it was utterly bizarre.



And then I realized... as I opened it...



DRILL HOLES... IN THIS MICRO LAPTOP... I was horrified?! I was in such shock that 1) Someone would do this, 2) Donate it 3) Goodwill SELLING IT for... TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?

I had to turn to the person next to me and say "Are you seeing this... Is this for real?!". I legit thought I was in some alternate dream world.

This thing was so utterly derranged, but I was still trying to see the logical reasoning of taking a drill multiple times to a laptop. My guess is that the person really, really didn't want someone to access their ~precious data~, and to ensure this, they drilled holes in it to... Destroy it?

There are easier ways. Just format your drive, reset to factory settings, REMOVE the HDD for Christ's sake! Why would you do this, and then DONATE it? Aren't you still worried someone will somehow "access" what you had destroyed?

And what are the sellers thinking? That this can be salvaged for parts? Bro, you might as well could have shot it 12 more times, it really doesn't matter. All the components are borked. Maybe you could salvage keycaps but... for something this old and niche? And pricing it at 25 DOLLARS.

This whole this is insane. Part of me was also conspiring that maybe someone in the electronics section took a drill and drilled the holes IN Goodwill. At least then it would only be one derranged individual instead of multiple.

I dunno, dude, it was so wild. But it definitely made the day more exciting!

Speaking of exciting, I went ahead and decided... to adopt that lil Yamaha MIDI Player/Writer! It was just way too unique to pass up, even if the price tag was a little higher than I should have paid for it.

I had one single DD Floppy disk at home, and I'm still waiting to go pick up a suitable powerbank for this before I really mess with it, so I decided to try formatting the disk to see if I can put any MIDI's on it.

Well, turns out I can even really... access it. I tried physically turning the write protection switch on and off, but no luck.



Things borked.



Can't format it either! It's a shame, at the very least I really would have loved to play Casino, or whatever was on here LOL!

Well, other than all that fun stuff today, it's been stupidly hot with no humidity, making my everything dry and my sinuses explode, I got overpriced pizza (it was good tho :3), and spent the evening chilling. But also, pro-tip: if your body tells you "I want to nap at 6pm in Hot Weather!" ... DON'T LISTEN! I woke up feeling like a dried up cantelope skin.

I wish I had like, two solid weeks where I could just be a potato in my room with my computers... This little place I've created for myself truly is my little slice of heaven.



I'll have to take some pics of my room soon, and better pics of my retrotech as well... I swear, I love my job and going outside and being social, but if I had the choice, I think I would happily shut myself in for like, 3 solid months of just being in my room with minimal outside trips to get like... coffee or something, LOL!

But I'll enjoy the nice weather as it lasts! And I hope you will as well, wherever you are out there in the World Wide Web!
Take care, and Goodnight,

-Angel

May 13th, 2023

UPDATES:
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!
???

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Happy Saturday fellow net-izens!!

It was an absolutely beautiful day... but also very hot! It's the first real hot day of the year, and I'm glad I spent most of it indoors inside AC cooled rooms.

Today during the first half of work, I set to unpacking and setting up one new computer station! It was sooo much fun and I loved doing it. Our work is getting new iMac Mini's and XP-Pen Tablets!

Check out that gorgeous artwork!

I'm really excited to help set up the rest of the machines. The hardest part honestly was unpacking everything, LOL! I think that the work space can get pretty cluttered while unpacking and trying to find places to put empty boxes. But setting up the actual software was incredibly easy.

To beat the heat, I did my favorite past-time, which was go treasure-hunting in thrift stores! And I found some really incredible finds :-)

First, I found this Yamaha Disk Orchestra Unit Dou-10! It was really something, and if it weren't $50 I totally would've gotten it.



At first I didn't really know much about it, but after looking it up, it's a Floppy Disk MIDI Player! You could upload your favorite MIDI's to a floppy and have this lil thing play them for you. Sadly, you could only use DD Disks, which I only have One of. All the rest of my floppies are HD, but... I could always aquire more online or ask some friends.

My single DD disk! I don't think I ever actually looked at what's on here LOL!!

It would be a really neat thing to have, but I'll have to think about it more. Check out what it can do!

In any case, I found not one, but TWO Nintendo Wii consoles at Goodwill today! Folks must be doing a bunch of spring cleaning, and think that Wiis are worthless. Ha! Fools! More for me!
There was a $50 bundle held up in the glass case, which was complete with Wiimotes, cords, everything you would need. I called up Retro Game Trader to see how much they were selling Wii's for (just the consoles!) Their lowest Wii was $90! Wild! So I went ahead and asked for that Wii in the glass case to be put on hold while I checked out the rest of the store.

And then, while I was rummaging through the electronics section, I found the SECOND Wii! It was just the console, a couple Wiimotes, and the video cable, but all I really needed was the console and that cable.



I then went to the retro game store and bought the power bank I needed, and an SD card. The total came to be about $30, which is a score!

I decided that I was going to mod this Wii and give it to my sister as a gift, filled with Pokemon games (including romhacks/translations of ones she's never played!). So as soon as I got home I set about to cleaning it and getting it modded.



To my delight, it works just great! No problems that I can see, hear, or smell! It... was pretty lacking, and I genuinely that someone had formatted the system, but no, there was data still on it. Just very, very minimal. There were some Mii's, save game data for Wii Sports, Wii Sports Resort, Wii Music, and Twilight Princess... but other than that, totally empty.


Apparently this poor thing hadn't been played or really used since... 2009. :-(

I tried to start the modding process by using LetterBomb, but the Captcha system was borked on the site, rendering it pretty useless... I decided I could either wait for the site to resolve, or try a different method. Unfortunately, this Wii really didn't want to connect to my WiFi... I might poke around at it a bit more later on with that method, but I started looking at alternatives that didn't require internet. I tried doing things manually using Wilbrand, but kept running into issues along the way. Clearly, I wasn't smart enough to make sense of stuff like this (yet)


Well... my brain was fried, so I went to the convenience store to get a shake and my sister a smoothie (and $1 burritos?!? how can they be $1 and sooo good?).

I managed to get this far with Wilbrand,

...but I think I'm just going to wait until LetterBomb is back online. It's the way I modded my other Wii, and I want to make sure that I know exactly what I'm doing!

Anyway, that's all from me for today! I watched all of A Fox In Space today, and I'm stunned I never heard or saw it before. I'm absolutely hooked and totally invested, and am so incredibly interested in Star Fox as a series now...

Check it out!

Alright, that's all... goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the e-mail viruses bite!

-Angel

May 12th, 2023

UPDATES:
Art Gallery -> Updated!
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!
OS RUNESCAPE -> Added!
A HORRIBLE creature, and new music, has been added to the Home Page...

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Hellooooooo world! I got a lot of updates on the site!

I scanned a bunch of old doodles from sketchbooks using the NEW scanner that I rescued the other day! It's mostly Spacepals content, but there's also Hello, World! and some Guppy content in there too! Check it all out in the Art Gallery!



Today was the first real warm day of the season! I did a good amount of cleaning in the morning before it got too hot, and relaxed on the porch with a small but lovely breakfast. A chocolate brioche roll and home made coconut cream iced coffee! A really nice start to the day.

It was a pretty lazy day for everyone... I can't blame us! It was just the perfect day for being lazy and laying about. My son shows a perfect example of This:


I honestly spent most of the day coding... and just relaxing with my day off! I went to go get my sister and I some ice cream, and was blasting FINKLE'S WORLD!!!! to all the cars driving by :-)

Sound of the summer......

Since the sun's out more, my plushies are alll due for a spa day... But Hargon is already sporting his fancy tropical attire!


A whole bunch of fun stickers came in the mail today for my students and I really hope they like them! I admittedly took a few for myself, there's a lot of really cute ones (I'll take pics tomorrow!).
Well it's gotten super late and I want to write more, but I'm so sleepy already!

My next goals is to continue building on the games section of the site. I really want to work on my Petz5 section next!

Take care, and Goodnight!

-Angel

May 11th, 2023

EDIT:
Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!
Grundo's Cafe -> Added!

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Hooo I missed out on a couple blog days, so today will be a long one! Lot's of fun stuff happened, and I picked up a couple new gizmos! :-)

Mostly, I was focused a lot on teaching, and boy Wednesday's class was wild, but I truly don't blame my students. They've been so deep into testing, and (as another teacher put it) are being told to "sit down and shut up", and do work for the entire day. So it's no wonder they're so wired at the end of the day. It's never anything bad that happens though, just middle schoolers being middle schoolers :-) I'm seeing so much incredible work come through from them, and I am proud of them all! Sometimes we just need to be silly and that's okay.

As I was driving to work, I shouted not once, but TWICE on the road. The first was because the clouds looked so beautiful, the second time was because I saw a MASSIVE burger:

It was so picturesque, it took my breath away.

Earlier that day, I went to the thrift store looking for art supplies for my student's class (some of them requested stuff like clipboards, notecards, dip pens), and I saw some really neat stuff... A portable cassette recorder/player, 2 scanners, a VHS recorder, and a 250GB external hard drive... During that morning trip, I picked up the Cassette player... but could not stop thinking about the other things I saw.

After work, I decided to go back (I couldn't resist), and I picked up the flatbed scanner and VHS Recorder.


The insides of the recorder looked terrible, but not the worst. It definitely needs some cleaning. The scanner, however, looked wonderful!
The only thing missing from both of these new gizmos were their power banks. So I decided that I would stop by Surplus Gizmos the next day to find some.

While leaving, I drove by a new card shop next to the thrift store, so I decided to go in! There were some cute plushies on the shelves which drew me in. The owner asked what games I played, and I explained that I don't play, but I buy cards for my students as rewards for following directions and completing assignments.
Upon hearing this, another man asked if I was a teacher, and when he heard I was, he decided to give me two whole boxes of bulk Pokemon cards for my students!!! He was so incredibly kind... he said he was just passing through town, trying to sell a bunch of his old cards. He said (his name was Chris!) that he had reached out to several schools, but none of it followed through, so he was happy to pass on some of his cards to me.
I really do believe in angels. An angel was definitely working together with Chris that day! Thank you...


There's also a cat who lives in the card shop!! They were pretty shy, but I always love to see little critters in unexpected places.

So this morning, I totally slept in, and had really nice dreams... no waking up to alarms always gives me the best dreams!
I drove first thing to Surplus Gizmos, and got help to find the right power supplies for my new scanner and VHS recorder.



This place has got to be one of my favorite places in the area!! My friend Isaac was able to help me out, but even thought the Recorder powered on, it wouldnt play any tapes... it seems it might need new belts. But I'm going to try giving it a deep clean, first. If all else fails, I might try to find someone in the area who knows a thing or two about VCR Repair... sadly, Isaac had no clue how to fix it.

Luckily, the scanner powered on just fine, and, when I brought it home, works absolutely perfectly!

But before I talk about my scanner, I went back to the thrift store, and picked up the 250GB hard drive that I could not stop thinking about. I ended up using my rewards discounts to help bring the price down to about $15, which wasn't too terrible, but totally worth it. It's going to match my retro setup so well!
Here's the hard drive and the scanner!


I was going to name it "THE BRICK", but discovered (my friend Ezra pointed it out!) that it's original name, LACIE, was likely a nickname after Ada Lovelace... so I changed it back to LACIE immediately after formatting LOL!

LACIE is so chunky and sleek at the same time. I was so incredibly worried that in some point she would have been dropped, ruining the internal drive... but she powers on and I can read/write/copy from her just fine! This is going to be so much fun. I'm going to be backing up a ton of the stuff I have on my WinXP machine onto her for safe-keeping... I know it's silly to be happy about this but this drive is just so cool!!

Decided to test out the scanner, and I got it to work after finding the driver online! Luckily, HP was still providing the driver on their website, which I'm so thankful for. Sometimes when I get old stuff that aren't Big Brands, finding drivers can be a nightmare filled with deadlinks or un-archived webpages. But this scanner works like a charm, huzzah!

Thank you to my friend Bonnford for this adorable drawing of one of my Petz, Specimen! (Remind me to finally update the Petz part of my site, LOL!)

Decided I was going to scan all the current drawings I have for Hello, World! from my sketchbook, and while scanning, I ran into this amusing error message...



It did a wonderful job with scanning! I'm going to be updating the Art Gallery pretty soon with some Hello, World! art... I'm so excited to get this comic started! It's been sitting in my mind ever since I was throwing together a pitch for the Dream.exe Anthology (I got rejected... sad! But it was fun!)


Also, I have no idea why, but sometimes when I try to capture images of CRT's with my phone, it makes this really cool effect... like if someone hit the degauss button in real life LOL

This is my cozy little hideaway... I would spend all day here if I could.

Alright, that's enough yappin! I hope everyone has been hangin in there. The days are going to get sunnier, warmer, brighter, happier! I can feel it.


But first, a Badger.

Take care!

-Angel

May 9th, 2023

Today was soooo much better!
I genuinely think the sunshine helped my mood so much. I was so stressed about tonights classes at work but it all went really, really well!

Went to go get cards for my students as prizes for beating my robotics challenges last week, and picked up a new little guy :-)

I love this little lumpy K.K. Slider so much, I love his giant round head! I also got some more stickers for my Toshiba TV, and a cute lil Animal Crossing cup!

Today's robotics class was very fun, we spent the first half of class watching Robot Battles and drafting plans for our final robot designs for our Battle Royale competition! I'm very excited to see what they come up with :-)

Another student gave me a flower today... It's so so sweet. I never would have expected such kindness and appreciation! It now joins my other flower :'-)


Our workplace is really feelings so lively and vibrant... the student show is incredible, and I've slowly been adding small touches to the Digital Lab! I'm so happy to come in here each day...



Not much more to really say, I feel a lot better about a lot of things... I'm excited for the warmer weather! I think it'll really help my mood even more. I live off the sunshine!

Now time to put a several-hour-long Jerma stream on as background noise and slowly go to sleep... Goodnight!

-Angel

May 8th, 2023

Hello, World! I'm feeling a bit stressed-out and tired lately.

Last night I was so exhausted both mentally and physically, even though it feels like I've done nothing at all, that I didn't have any energy to draw or write or even update this site... I came home and immediately fell asleep after taking care of household things.

But it just led to some of the worst successions of nightmares I've had in weeks. From Fascism, to Nuclear war, to seeing my close friend being diagnosed with terminal cancer, and more and more of my worst fears, came true last night in my dreams. I woke up feeling even worse than before I went to bed!

On top of it all... I just feel lost, in many parts of my life. A big part of me just wants to wipe myself off the virtual world (while still holding onto this blog and art of course), because I really don't see a point in staying in a place that causes me so much grief and frustration. I am so sick of using the Blue Bird site, and even thinking about using other sites to endlessly promote myself and treat myself as an art-machine makes me feel ill.

I just feel so worthless on there, worthless in general. It's definitely not true, but it's a true statement in regards to how I feel. I just feel worthless! Directionless! Forgettable.

I often worry if any of the things will ever be good enough, or if anything I do (in art, in teaching, my relationships) will ever be left better or worse because of me.
I don't know why I am so incredibly hard on myself. Many have told me that it's something I do to such a severe degree even though there's so much proof against it, proof that I can do good and that I do make a difference.

I think it's all rooted in how I felt growing up: so powerless. I never felt in control in stuff that happened at home, I felt powerless against the fear of my safety. It's something that never truly went away. I was so powerless. Until suddenly, I wasn't. And I had to realize and learn so quickly that I did have power. It's been 10 years, but I still haven't fully internalized it.
The only place I felt like I did have power and control, was my inner worlds. My characters, my stories, my sonas, anything that went on in my head was untouchable by outside control. So I dove into it and put roots down that are hardwired into my brain today. My little homes I made for me!

So whenever I feel like I don't have control or power over my own happiness, I instinctively run and hide. I protect myself when I feel something threatening creative outlets or personal art, I shut down and run away. I think that's probably the main driving force that makes me want to completely shut down my personal outlets on other sites. I enjoy this semi-privacy, where only those who want to engage in my content can.
I feel this horrible pressure in my mind to televise every thought, drawing, moment, for that desperate need of apporval, that commradery, and in that way my brain felt it was more "real" when people gave that approval.

I think I've totally lost sight of the game. I've completely forgotten why I make the things I do, why I write the things I do. It's not for others, it's just supposed to be for me. Sure, there is art that I want other's to give approval and feedback on. But I think I became so obsessed with that wanting of other's love for my work that it became all I focused on.
And, unfortunately, with stranger's love and praise, came other stranger's criticisms and overstepping of boundaries (in incredibly vulgar ways).

In honesty I've just grown tired of it all. I've forgotten why I even started to create the things I create, for myself. I always knew that the majority of my art was very personal, and a form of communication with all my parts, and ultimately a way that I heal. I don't need other's to give me their thoughts, I just need my own love and acceptance towards myself first!
So I think that from now on I'll just post art to my site here, in my little gallery where it'll act more of a log for myself rather than having it be spread around and put on more public display...
When I made this site, it really felt like I was coming back to the part of my life where I was finding worlds where I could take care of myself, and not worry about other stressors. I really want to build on that, and make this a space just for... well, me!
I feel like I spread myself so thin, but also shut so many people out. It's kind of insane. I'm held together by like, paperclips and popsickle sticks at this point.

BUT enough rambling, here's some very nice things from today:

One of my student's gave me this lovely rose, for Teacher Appreciation week. I got so emotional inside I genuinely was not expecting anything like this. It reminded me of back in High School, as I was graduating, I brought sunflowers in for all of the teachers that helped me through the most difficult part of my life, recovering from abuse and homelessness. I remember giving my two English Teachers who set the gears in motion those sunflowers, and just seeing them well up with tears. And believe me, there were small tears today too when I sat in my car.
All I want, most of all, is to help students to be successful, not just in school, but as human beings. I want them to be proud of their accomplishments, and feel relevant and wanted, and have hope. I just want to do my very best as a teacher, and this moment really meant a lot and I'm humbled and grateful for it...

After work, I decided to check out the Goodwill Bins that was a short drive from the school I worked at. I forgot to bring gloves, so I only dug on the surface level of things, but there was a whole bin of old cassettes...
I didn't take many, I picked a Kate Bush tape, and two custom-recorded ones that I chose just for their unique case design! (The open kind of like switch-blades?? It's incredible!)
I'll be listening to the contents of the tapes later on, but from the sounds of it, it's mostly just relaxing easy-listening, so I'm already a big fan :-)
Even if the tapes are no good quality-wise, the cases alone are neat, and with a bit of cleaning I can use other tapes with them!

Also, the bulk set of Pokemon Cards came in for my Robotics students, I'm so excited to surprise them with it! I picked the lot that had the shiny/holo foil cards mixed in :-) It'll be a real treat for them all!


I feel like such a wimp lately, by telling myself to just take it easy and be gentler towards myself... But I got to listen to it. There's definitely a part of me that WANTS me to love myself, and they're frustrated too. They keep saying "you're so kind! so cool! so creative and a great person! a delight!" but it's so hard to believe. I just have to keep trying, and keep having conversations with parts of myself until its a universal language.

In any case, my pearls of wisdom for You:
Be rootin', be tootin', and by God, be shootin', but most of all,
Be Kind.

-Angel

May 6th, 2023

Animal Crossing Blog -> Updated!

Today was a really nice chill day! Work went really well and I was so proud of my student's progress on today's assignment :-)
I also got to make a button at work, and treated myself to a Jamba Juice matcha drink afterwards.


However, I think the Matcha was made really weird... it was EXTREMELY bitter and no sweetness... So I asked for the very first time to remake a drink :'-) I felt like a jerk, but it was so bitter and tasteless to the point where I couldn't even take more than a few sips!

I'm willing to give it another chance, and try this same drink again at a new Jamba Juice, because it looks really good! Matcha with Sweet Cream Foam and Agave sounds amazing... I gotta give it another chance!

I've really been curious about emulating a lot of old PC-98 Games on some of my retrotech... I've always wanted to get into retro Japanese games, I've seen some cute ones in some of the retro gaming stores and the box art is always sooo appealing.



Not PC-98, but I have some Gameboy games from Japan, like Tamagotchi 2 and a cute Hamster-Raising sim!



Here's some cool links I found related to PC-98 stuff that I thought was really cool and want to come back to later:
PC-98 Emulation For Beginners, Presented by PC-98 Bot
FydoTiles
PC98.org, PC98 Images

This game, E.V.O.: The Theory of Evolution, looks especially exciting! It's an RPG with prehistoric creatures and it looks super cute and fascinating...


The next steps I want to take for this website is finishing up my Games section, and finally building my SHRINES!
Hope you've been well, and I'll see you again tomorrow,

-Angel

May 5th, 2023

Hello, everyone! I updated a few places on the site!
Art Gallery got some more art in it!
Animal Crossing got a blog update and new sections added!

In addition to updating the site, I also got Old School Runescape set up in my retro station! It's running off my Raspberry Pi 400, and runs really smooth. I'm so happy to have it setup now! I can finally chip away at making progress on my character.





Last night I had some pretty wild dreams! I had a dream about all the Spacepals living in my house :-D

I was doing some tech work with friends in my living room, and I said "BRB, gotta use the bathroom!" ...But when I got there, I found that Blue was rennovating the entire bathroom. They even took out the toilet! They wanted my bathroom to be totally high tech and modern, and I couldn't even be mad. I said, "This looks so great, you're working so hard! Would you like some Jamba Juice?" and Blue was really happy to be offered a delicious Jamba...

I then went upstairs and White was playing online computer games, and I asked if they wanted some Jamba Juice as well and they said, "Oh, uh, sure." but I could tell they were thankful that I asked.

I then went into Red's room, where they were playing guitar!! They looked really flustered that I walked in on them playing, and I asked them if they wanted to come with me to Jamba Juice :-)

They said sure! And also wanted to mail out some letters to their penpals... aw... I had no idea they had penpals! We chatted a bit and I gave them a big hug...

Yellow was playing and running around on all fours in the front yard, it was a bright and sunny day, and they looked so happy! I asked them what they wanted from Jamba Juice and they said they wanted the strawberry and banana smoothie, before going to go climb a tree.

When we got to Jamba Juice... Black was there! Their hands were full of smoothies and it turns out that they were already bringing us smoothies! So we all went back home and had a really nice summer smoothie day!

It sounds very silly, but I always treasure whenever I'm able to share a dream with them. And I was so happy it was a fun one! I think tomorrow I will treat myself to some Jamba Juice as well!

Also, I've had this song stuck in my head today... A Róka by Mmamt:

Ha lefekszel, mindenki meg hal,
Ha felkelek, mindenki él.

I've been in a lot of pain because of my body, and also emotionally a bit down as well... But I think this song makes me feel so at peace! I think I should be kinder to myself, and enjoy life while I still have it. To be honest, I think that ever since I digitized a lot of old family videos and seeing loved ones who are no longer with us, it's haunted me in a way. But it's more like a happy haunting, knowing that they can still be here in some small way. Thanks to those old tapes, we can still see them move, hear them laugh, just for a few minutes, forever for infinity.

I hope wherever you are, you're able to treat yourself kindkly, too. Just remember to take things one day at a time, and enjoy life as much as you can.
Talk to you soon,

-Angel

May 4th, 2023

Today is my day off, and it was nice and rainy. I got to sleep in and finished chores that I needed to do, so I spent the rest just relaxing and working on the site :-)

Most notable updates are:
My Art Gallery
Art Resources Page
Favicons and Cursors for each page
Lots of extra goodies sprinkled around the site! :-)

It was quite a rainy day, but I had this song stuck in my head all day, so it felt like Summer Time in my Heart! I've really been meaning to give Captain Tylor a rewatch ;__; It's got its faults but it was a really feel good anime for me for a good while...


Hmmm... aside from being a potato, there really wasn't much that happened today! I'm battling some cramps and icky feelings but other than that, things are quite comfy :-)
I think later tonight I will be gathering more art that's stored on other devices, like my WinXP machine, to upload to my gallery. I'll also be seeing if I can run OSRunescape on my Raspbi400... I'd love to play in my retro battlestation!

Some photos from today:

We made slow cooker chicken and rice today

Called my mom, and our cats said hello!

Make sure to get lots of rest, and treat yourself and others with kindness.

Take care, and good night.

-Angel

May 3rd, 2023

There was a thunderstorm today! Lots of work to be done, both online and offline, so I was running around doing errands and going to and from work.

After work, I did some de-stressing going to my favorite retro game store and surplus electronics store.

Here's some beauties from today:

-Angel

April 25th, 2023

Today I started revising my entire site. It's a beautiful sunny day outside!
I have work later tonight and I'm a bit nervous about it, but I'm going to do my best to power through!

-Angel