May 8th, 2023
Hello, World! I'm feeling a bit stressed-out and tired lately.
Last night I was so exhausted both mentally and physically, even though it feels like I've done nothing at all, that I didn't have any energy to draw or write or even update this site... I came home and immediately fell asleep after taking care of household things.
But it just led to some of the worst successions of nightmares I've had in weeks. From Fascism, to Nuclear war, to seeing my close friend being diagnosed with terminal cancer, and more and more of my worst fears, came true last night in my dreams. I woke up feeling even worse than before I went to bed!
On top of it all... I just feel lost, in many parts of my life. A big part of me just wants to wipe myself off the virtual world (while still holding onto this blog and art of course), because I really don't see a point in staying in a place that causes me so much grief and frustration. I am so sick of using the Blue Bird site, and even thinking about using other sites to endlessly promote myself and treat myself as an art-machine makes me feel ill.
I just feel so worthless on there, worthless in general. It's definitely not true, but it's a true statement in regards to how I feel. I just feel worthless! Directionless! Forgettable.
I often worry if any of the things will ever be good enough, or if anything I do (in art, in teaching, my relationships) will ever be left better or worse because of me.
I don't know why I am so incredibly hard on myself. Many have told me that it's something I do to such a severe degree even though there's so much proof against it, proof that I can do good and that I do make a difference.
I think it's all rooted in how I felt growing up: so powerless. I never felt in control in stuff that happened at home, I felt powerless against the fear of my safety. It's something that never truly went away. I was so powerless. Until suddenly, I wasn't. And I had to realize and learn so quickly that I did have power. It's been 10 years, but I still haven't fully internalized it.
The only place I felt like I did have power and control, was my inner worlds. My characters, my stories, my sonas, anything that went on in my head was untouchable by outside control. So I dove into it and put roots down that are hardwired into my brain today. My little homes I made for me!
So whenever I feel like I don't have control or power over my own happiness, I instinctively run and hide. I protect myself when I feel something threatening creative outlets or personal art, I shut down and run away. I think that's probably the main driving force that makes me want to completely shut down my personal outlets on other sites. I enjoy this semi-privacy, where only those who want to engage in my content can.
I feel this horrible pressure in my mind to televise every thought, drawing, moment, for that desperate need of apporval, that commradery, and in that way my brain felt it was more "real" when people gave that approval.
I think I've totally lost sight of the game. I've completely forgotten why I make the things I do, why I write the things I do. It's not for others, it's just supposed to be for me. Sure, there is art that I want other's to give approval and feedback on. But I think I became so obsessed with that wanting of other's love for my work that it became all I focused on.
And, unfortunately, with stranger's love and praise, came other stranger's criticisms and overstepping of boundaries (in incredibly vulgar ways).
In honesty I've just grown tired of it all. I've forgotten why I even started to create the things I create, for myself. I always knew that the majority of my art was very personal, and a form of communication with all my parts, and ultimately a way that I heal. I don't need other's to give me their thoughts, I just need my own love and acceptance towards myself first!
So I think that from now on I'll just post art to my site here, in my little gallery where it'll act more of a log for myself rather than having it be spread around and put on more public display...
When I made this site, it really felt like I was coming back to the part of my life where I was finding worlds where I could take care of myself, and not worry about other stressors. I really want to build on that, and make this a space just for... well, me!
I feel like I spread myself so thin, but also shut so many people out. It's kind of insane. I'm held together by like, paperclips and popsickle sticks at this point.
BUT enough rambling, here's some very nice things from today:
One of my student's gave me this lovely rose, for Teacher Appreciation week. I got so emotional inside I genuinely was not expecting anything like this. It reminded me of back in High School, as I was graduating, I brought sunflowers in for all of the teachers that helped me through the most difficult part of my life, recovering from abuse and homelessness. I remember giving my two English Teachers who set the gears in motion those sunflowers, and just seeing them well up with tears. And believe me, there were small tears today too when I sat in my car.
All I want, most of all, is to help students to be successful, not just in school, but as human beings. I want them to be proud of their accomplishments, and feel relevant and wanted, and have hope. I just want to do my very best as a teacher, and this moment really meant a lot and I'm humbled and grateful for it...
After work, I decided to check out the Goodwill Bins that was a short drive from the school I worked at. I forgot to bring gloves, so I only dug on the surface level of things, but there was a whole bin of old cassettes...
I didn't take many, I picked a Kate Bush tape, and two custom-recorded ones that I chose just for their unique case design! (The open kind of like switch-blades?? It's incredible!)
I'll be listening to the contents of the tapes later on, but from the sounds of it, it's mostly just relaxing easy-listening, so I'm already a big fan :-)
Even if the tapes are no good quality-wise, the cases alone are neat, and with a bit of cleaning I can use other tapes with them!
Also, the bulk set of Pokemon Cards came in for my Robotics students, I'm so excited to surprise them with it! I picked the lot that had the shiny/holo foil cards mixed in :-) It'll be a real treat for them all!
I feel like such a wimp lately, by telling myself to just take it easy and be gentler towards myself... But I got to listen to it. There's definitely a part of me that WANTS me to love myself, and they're frustrated too. They keep saying "you're so kind! so cool! so creative and a great person! a delight!" but it's so hard to believe. I just have to keep trying, and keep having conversations with parts of myself until its a universal language.
In any case, my pearls of wisdom for You:
Be rootin', be tootin', and by God, be shootin', but most of all,